An Open Letter to You

Dearest -----:

I love you!

Not in the sappy way that a girl loves a guy or that you tell your best girlfriend how you feel. But in the way that only the blood that runs through your veins and mine can convey. I see you in my face, I see you in my actions, I miss your voice and the laughter. I miss the tears and the triumphs. I miss not calling you to tell you my frustrations. I miss not being able to let you know that even though life sucks right now, I am here for you.

I miss the relationship and I know because of the time lost that we will perhaps never get that back. I still cry, I still hurt, I still want to kill him, nothing has changed and because of that I keep you away.

Forgiveness isn't my problem, fear is. Fear that my voice hasn't been heard and my feelings acknowledged, fear that you will continue to gauge your life based on mine and that I have controlled and pushed you to what I want you to be and that you will never measure up, fear that you cannot help yourself and cannot help the fact that you are selfish, fear that you will continue to hurt me and that I am going to continue to take whatever you dish out like an orphan asking for more.

Who asks for more pain and heartbreak?

Your name comes up in everything I do and say. I reference the moments spent and the time past. You are like a drug that even rehabilitation cannot help me. I still seek your poison to curse through my veins. How can you ask me to be in your life and yet remain detached? Not speak my mind? I would be just as bad as every other person who saw love drowning and didn't throw out a lifeline

Where was he when you were in the hospital, where was he when all we had was medical bills, unemployment and an apartment full of mice? Where was he when that jerk came and left your life in such a cruel way, where was he when others used and took advantage of your innocence and purity? Where was he when you were clinging to life and your blood was being put through a machine and all you were was hesitant breath after hesitant breathe? Did he comfort you when you almost drowned in depression? Did he run to your aid when your mind and spirit lay broken in anger at God, life and even your family? Can he say he honestly held your heart in his when you lost your job and all hope seemed to go down the drain, flushed away by bureaucracy?

As you begin to pick up the pieces that have fallen, as you begin to make headway I stand in the shadows knowing I can never be a part of you the way I once was, that is the part that will forever break my heart.

I love you and miss you but I know I have lost you...

Life I guess goes on! We pick up our losses and move on. Our vase of childhood love and innocence is forever shattered and it's pieces like ash, I cast now to the wind.


Forever yours,
Poetic Justice